I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
