apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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