the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
