How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
