How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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