apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
