I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
