And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
