also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
