I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
