he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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