her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
