well I can't set my house on fire every night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
