Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
