he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
