Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
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