Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
