I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
