So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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