WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
