Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
