if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
