You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
