my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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