these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
