I just threw up on my dentist
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
