omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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