i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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