Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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