What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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