are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
