when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
my liver is dry heaving
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
