My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
