if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
