I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
