just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
