There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
