So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
