So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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