Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
