so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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