I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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