I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
