i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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