just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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