You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
