New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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