She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
