Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
