so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
